Baaaadass

I went into Watchmen with a lot of anticipation, but I was also skeptical because I’m not a big fan of Zack Snyder. 300 was a piece of shit. However, Watchmen’s source material is incredible (the only comic book I’ve ever really loved), but parts of it are totally unfilmable. For better or worse, those parts were blatantly ignored in this film.

The original comic was respected, to a point. The movie was true to the themes of the corruption of humanity, sex, the uselessness of superheroes, etc. It was also true to the nature of the characters. Rorschach was nuts, Dr. Manhattan was detached, Ozymandius was a weirdo with his own odd version of morality.

But Watchmen cut out some awesome sequences (I was real pissed when Rorschach didn’t jump out of a fridge), but also left in some that I figured wouldn’t be there (ie. a midget sawing through his henchmen’s arms, Nightowl not being able to get it up with the Silk Spectre until he was in his costume…). The 3+ hour director’s cut will probably include a lot that was left out. Realistically, it would take at least 5 hours to cram

Somehow both homophobic ... and gay.

everything in, and that would still not include all of the great “under the hood” segments. All the fans want an HBO miniseries, and they’re right in asking for it, but this is as close as it’ll probably ever get. It felt like Snyder did everything he could to make the movie the way Alan Moore (the books co-author) would have envisioned, but he did fall short. Maybe Hollywood wouldn’t let him, maybe he’s a dick.

So on to the actual movie. The opening fight between the comedian and a mysterious stranger (who’s name rhymes with smozymandias) was awesome. Snyder’s use of slow motion was effective, the steady camera work was a refreshing departure from the choppy shit I see everywhere in the wake of the Bourne movies, and the combat was interesting and intense. The CGI was alright, but it was far from the best; I was always aware that I was watching CGI. Really, it’s kind of cheating anyway.

Aside from that fight there were several parts that stuck out. The opening credits were the best I’ve ever seen; pans of half-static, half 3D pictures over a great Bobby D song that revealed a lot of back-story. The camera work was varied, interesting and full of cool techniques,  and overall the visuals, especially the use of color, was bang on in terms of the feel of the comic. 300 certainly wasn’t visionary, but I think the label can be applied to Snyder after directing Watchmen.

The character development was really well done, which I didn’t expect. The film did feel a bit rushed, despite being almost 3 hours, but you still got to know and feel for the characters, even if you hadn’t read the comic. Superhero movies too often skip character development in favour of cramming in more explosions (the dickhead Brett Ratner’s X-men 3 being the shining example), which leaves me uncaring.

Oh, and then there was the infamous Leonard Cohen sex scene. Did not see that coming, but fucking awesome.

This was also good.

But it wasn’t all good.

First off, WAY too many superhero poses. Every time someone landed a jump they kneeled, looked down, then looked up slowly. I have no idea why Superheroes would choose to look that fucking stupid. Something

Literally 2/3 of the movie.

to do with invincibility or free sex … or something.

Anyway, the acting was largely mediocre, but Jackie Earl Haley (Rorschach) and Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan) stood out.  Patrick Wilson (Night Owl) was alright too. Most everybody else, especially Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre) sucked.  However, that’s more the fault of the source material; there’s a reason comic books don’t translate well into on-screen dialogue.

My biggest disappointment was the ending. It stayed true to the original point, but was not nearly as stunning an image as the comic book. In the book there were panels of a giant tentacle monster surrounded by thousands of bloody corpses in downtown New York with a clock striking midnight. The movie had … a big fucking hole. It was pretty anti-climatic considering my expectations, and a somewhat arbitrary scene, most likely due to the time limitations. About 15 more minutes of dialogue might have been needed to explain the monster. But it would have been worth it to stay true to the greatest ending in comic book history (in literature history?).

But overall, the worst thing wasn’t even in the movie. The Watchmen did alright, but not as good as its budget would suggest. So now Hollywood is going to steer away from darker, more violent R-rated movies, presumably to produce more Joel Schumacre-esque nippled Batman shit. There is a time and a place for dark superhero movies. But there is never a place for Bat skates.

All in all, The Watchmen was what you’d expect. It was an incredible story with difficult characters and strong themes that was slightly compromised for profit. Snyder proved he could film something of substance, the CGI department proved it spent a lot of time making true-to-life blue dick swinging physics, and the actors proved that comic book dialogue sounds roughly about as retarded when spoken as a George Lucas script. Zing.

This is my radio review of what I consider to be the worst movie ever made, Miami Vice.

Oooh look at me, I'm a family friendly box-office draw.

Alright, this is my first real blog post. This is supposed to be an archive of my journalistic works, but movies are a passion of mine, talking about them is kind of journalistic, and this has to do with movies. For anyone that hasn’t heard (or isn’t as much of a film Geek as I am), my subtly conveyed frustration in the title is over the Stephen Spielberg directed, Will Smith starring, Oldboy adaptation. It is going to cause Park Chan-wook (the director of the original) to roll over in his grave. Yeah he’s alive but this travesty has to have given him a heart attack. I suppose Mr. Park probably gave the rights to Spielberg, and that pisses me off too. Maybe it was purely the author of the graphic novel the original movie was based on, I don’t know how these Hollywood things work.

I had heard that Park said he would never allow his movie to be made again, because a remake could never be as perfect. And it won’t be, because Park’s work was perfect. The hallway scene? Incredible, I mean one take! Children of Man had nothing on that (although that movie was also sweet, and very underrated). Say

A suicidal guy shot himself, cause' the main character didn't want to stop him. Think Big Willy Style'll do that?

what you want about Oldboy’s twist ending, but it was ballsy and, unlike… let’s say Lone Star, well earned. The movie fit perfectly in Park’s vengeance trilogy. Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance were almost as good. They didn’t have the Hollywood structure Oldboy did (altough it’s content was far from Hollywood), but they were still brilliant (and very underrated) films. No point in going into the plots of them, but suffice it to say that everyone should check them out.

So now to bitch about Spielberg and Smith. Well, frankly they both suck lately. Will Smith was great as the lovable diamond in the rough from down home Phillie, when he was the Fresh Prince. But his goofy charms have worn off since he’s become a bat shit-insane Scientologist with an, “open marriage.” C’mon Will, uncle Phil would not be happy about the whole boning-other-chicks-but-my-wife’s-cool-about-it thing. I guess he’s an alright actor, but as far as I can see he’s never made anything particularly interesting, Men in Black didn’t expand the human consciousness, Hancock was as bland as plain toast and, well, fuck the Pursuit of Happyness (ah, I get it, you used y instead of I. Cunt). He will not be able to pull of the emotional, tortured role Oldboy demands, although I’m willing to bet that role will be dumbed down a bit by the director.

And that brings me to Spielberg (catch that segue anyone?). Yup, he’s made some incredible movies.  Schindler’s List? Incredible, even if a  lot of film professors disagree. Indiana Jones? Fell in love with them as a kid, every single one is a favorite (I’ll revisit this statement). Jaws? Kicks ass, plus it had Roy Schneider in it. But jaws has a drawback. I mean, I can’t solely blame it for creating a culture where Hollywood gets away

He takes out, like, 50 henchmen using the back of a hammer. Violently. I don't think Fresh Prince'll step up

with making every goddamn movie for 14 year olds, but Spielberg created the blockbuster. Just one other point. He made Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not an Indiana Jones movie, it sucked too hard to be in that trilogy. Just like Star Wars one, two and three (God George Lucas blows) . I know it’s been said a million times but aliens? Fuck. And Shia LeBeouf? Think of it this way. If Short-round was the series’ Jar-Jar Binks, Shia LeBeouf is Hitler. But still,  I admit that Munich was a good movie, Saving Private Ryan certainly had its moments, and Spielberg produced Letters From Iwo Jima, which was fantastic (although that was because of Clint Eastwood).

What it comes down to is this. Spielberg and Will Smith put together do not smell of Schindler’s List. They don’t smell like Close Encounters of the Third Kind. They smell like  Minority Report, they smell like Jurassic Park 3. They smell like a big box office grab, going in with critically acclaimed material and focus grouping the ever-loving shit out of it until it has the artistic merit of drunk frat-boy puke.

To paraphrase a fictional character (well the guy who wrote the fictional character); if they’re releasing a remake of a classic, go see the goddamn classic. This is what’s ruining the movie industry. If the new Oldboy does well, even if it’s very well made and doesn’t sodomize the original story, … well I’m not going to do anything except get more pissed off, and maybe write a second real blog post.

Douche.