Oooh look at me, I'm a family friendly box-office draw.
Alright, this is my first real blog post. This is supposed to be an archive of my journalistic works, but movies are a passion of mine, talking about them is kind of journalistic, and this has to do with movies. For anyone that hasn’t heard (or isn’t as much of a film Geek as I am), my subtly conveyed frustration in the title is over the Stephen Spielberg directed, Will Smith starring, Oldboy adaptation. It is going to cause Park Chan-wook (the director of the original) to roll over in his grave. Yeah he’s alive but this travesty has to have given him a heart attack. I suppose Mr. Park probably gave the rights to Spielberg, and that pisses me off too. Maybe it was purely the author of the graphic novel the original movie was based on, I don’t know how these Hollywood things work.
I had heard that Park said he would never allow his movie to be made again, because a remake could never be as perfect. And it won’t be, because Park’s work was perfect. The hallway scene? Incredible, I mean one take! Children of Man had nothing on that (although that movie was also sweet, and very underrated). Say
A suicidal guy shot himself, cause' the main character didn't want to stop him. Think Big Willy Style'll do that?
what you want about Oldboy’s twist ending, but it was ballsy and, unlike… let’s say Lone Star, well earned. The movie fit perfectly in Park’s vengeance trilogy. Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance were almost as good. They didn’t have the Hollywood structure Oldboy did (altough it’s content was far from Hollywood), but they were still brilliant (and very underrated) films. No point in going into the plots of them, but suffice it to say that everyone should check them out.
So now to bitch about Spielberg and Smith. Well, frankly they both suck lately. Will Smith was great as the lovable diamond in the rough from down home Phillie, when he was the Fresh Prince. But his goofy charms have worn off since he’s become a bat shit-insane Scientologist with an, “open marriage.” C’mon Will, uncle Phil would not be happy about the whole boning-other-chicks-but-my-wife’s-cool-about-it thing. I guess he’s an alright actor, but as far as I can see he’s never made anything particularly interesting, Men in Black didn’t expand the human consciousness, Hancock was as bland as plain toast and, well, fuck the Pursuit of Happyness (ah, I get it, you used y instead of I. Cunt). He will not be able to pull of the emotional, tortured role Oldboy demands, although I’m willing to bet that role will be dumbed down a bit by the director.
And that brings me to Spielberg (catch that segue anyone?). Yup, he’s made some incredible movies. Schindler’s List? Incredible, even if a lot of film professors disagree. Indiana Jones? Fell in love with them as a kid, every single one is a favorite (I’ll revisit this statement). Jaws? Kicks ass, plus it had Roy Schneider in it. But jaws has a drawback. I mean, I can’t solely blame it for creating a culture where Hollywood gets away
He takes out, like, 50 henchmen using the back of a hammer. Violently. I don't think Fresh Prince'll step up
with making every goddamn movie for 14 year olds, but Spielberg created the blockbuster. Just one other point. He made Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not an Indiana Jones movie, it sucked too hard to be in that trilogy. Just like Star Wars one, two and three (God George Lucas blows) . I know it’s been said a million times but aliens? Fuck. And Shia LeBeouf? Think of it this way. If Short-round was the series’ Jar-Jar Binks, Shia LeBeouf is Hitler. But still, I admit that Munich was a good movie, Saving Private Ryan certainly had its moments, and Spielberg produced Letters From Iwo Jima, which was fantastic (although that was because of Clint Eastwood).
What it comes down to is this. Spielberg and Will Smith put together do not smell of Schindler’s List. They don’t smell like Close Encounters of the Third Kind. They smell like Minority Report, they smell like Jurassic Park 3. They smell like a big box office grab, going in with critically acclaimed material and focus grouping the ever-loving shit out of it until it has the artistic merit of drunk frat-boy puke.
To paraphrase a fictional character (well the guy who wrote the fictional character); if they’re releasing a remake of a classic, go see the goddamn classic. This is what’s ruining the movie industry. If the new Oldboy does well, even if it’s very well made and doesn’t sodomize the original story, … well I’m not going to do anything except get more pissed off, and maybe write a second real blog post.
Douche.
